Regulating in a Dysregulated World
I spend most of my days with people (I think that is probably true for a lot of us) and I often go home at the end of the day feeling pretty overwhelmed by the state of the world. As I have conversations with folks all day, I feel the dysregulation that is going on in the world and our own nervous systems. This statement isn’t meant to be a diagnosis or a label of people, but it is the general sense I get after interacting with people all day. It makes me sad to think about the way our world is right now and the level of unrest, dis-ease, lack of safety and security and emotional dysregulation that is going on. We see it from the highest office in our country, across media, and in our personal interactions with people all day.
I don’t know what the fix is here, I don’t claim to be an expert, but what I do know is that we cannot live like this. Some of the dysregulation is beyond our control, it is happening around us and to us. But what I do know is that we have choices in how we respond. We can react, we can breathe, we can get control of ourselves, or we can lash out and really make things worse. Believe me, I have my moments of dysregulation too. When I am feeling on my edge, my natural instinct may be to go into attack mode, to use my pain as as a weapon rather than a healing balm in the world, or it may want to blame, point fingers, etc. Even when my entire being is responding in this way, I do know that none of this helps others, helps the situation, or helps me.
I work hard to try to show up as a person who takes care of her side of the street. I don’t want to be a person who adds to the pain of the world. Sometimes, it is inevitable (even unintentionally) that I will break relationship, cause pain, further inflict wounds, etc. But as much as I can, I want to be a person who shows up with love, compassion, humor, understanding and does not transmit my pain onto others. We can break these cycles if we all pay more attention to our side of the street and what we bring to a conversation.
There are moments in my daily life where I feel like I am on the verge of combusting. I have to be aware enough to recognize when I am at that place of frustration, of anger, of my own lack of regulation and I need to decide how I want to show up. Usually, I break this cycle by doing some shifting and relying on some tools in my toolkit that help me regulate. Things that help me shift might be taking a few deep breaths, listening to music, going for a walk, taking a sip of water, or talking it out with a trusted friend (I am very much a verbal processor). All of these things are tools available to me and well within my control. But I have to use them and put them to practice rather than letting my own reactivity, fear, anger, need for control, and sadness get in the drivers seat.
This is hard work. It is moment by moment work. It requires an extreme level of intention and attention to my thoughts, emotions, habits, routines and inner world. And I definitely don’t always get it right (ask my friends and colleagues). I’m as imperfect as they come. But I so deeply desire to live in a world where we are trying to change the narrative by changing how we respond to situations that present themselves on a daily basis.
I see my daily life as a set of two choices that continue to cycle through — I can be a person who transmits pain, suffering, anger and wounding in the world, or I have the choice to do something different. I can be a good friend, I can show up with care, compassion, and good listening. I can be a person who absorbs, takes care of and then processes out the pain of others, rather than responding in reactivity to whatever is being thrown at me. We get the choice to take care of our side of the street, minute by minute. This isn’t about big sweeping changes or about trying to become a perfect person (good luck!), but about making the intentional choice to show up with differently with people.
It saddens me to see how much this is not happening around us. There is no more room for more hatred in the world - our hatred cup is overflowing with stuff that doesn’t do anything to help people. Rather than contributing to it, I hope that I can be a vessel for something different. I’m going to keep challenging myself to be different, to reflect on what I do in a day, the conversations I have, the way I make people feel. I hope to be a person who can show up differently, and admit when I miss the mark. I hope for a world where we can all challenges ourselves to be a healing presence, rather than a wounding one. I can only imagine how different this world would be.
