Sensing God’s Presence
This week, my Spiritual Director asked me such a simple but important question — how do you experience God’s presence? It took me a minute to respond. I think sometimes I expect to hear God clearly through a word that He gives me or this very clear message coming from the clouds. I’m not saying that people don’t hear God that way (I certainly have a few times in my life). But as I thought more about the question, I realized that the primary way I experience God’s presence is through my body — through tears, through a gut feeling, through shaking in my body, etc. This wasn’t necessarily new information to me, but it is a helpful reminder. For the last 24 hours after that conversation, I have been praying that I would be able to sense God’s presence more tangibly. I do think that God is always there, but a big piece of this is just growing awareness for the tangible ways that God is already showing up for me. We can get so busy, so focused on moving forward and doing things that we aren’t able to tune in.
I spent 20 minutes this morning in silence before beginning my day (this is SO freaking hard for me, y’all). I am not a quiet person and I don’t naturally gravitate towards solitude, but I am working hard to get better at this.
For 20 minutes this morning in silence, I just wept. It wasn’t prompted by sadness or by any particular situation or feeling. As soon as the tears began, I knew this was God showing up for me in the way I asked for (or me getting quiet enough that I could actually sense God’s presence). In our culture, we often have stigma around tears. We assume they must mean that something is wrong, something is bad, etc. I’m learning more and more that sometimes the deepest desires of our heart cannot be expressed in words, but can be articulated through our bodies — through tears, through a physical sensation, gut feeling, etc. All prayers don’t need words. God can hear them all even when they are unspoken.
This morning, I felt this deep sense of being held, known and seen by God. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I had a lot of gratitude this morning. I don’t really know what the tears were about but I am trusting that those tears were praying something that I can’t even find the words for right now. Eventually, some prayers in the form of words came out of my mouth. I prayed for a number of people in my life, the state of the world in its brokenness right now, for continued healing in my body, gratitude for so many things God is doing in my life, and much more. I know that some of my prayers have words, but I’m also feeling so grateful to be so known by a God who can help me pray the prayers I don’t have words for.
If the Kelly of five years ago saw me now, she would be surprised by how much I cry. I come off as strong and vulnerability is not always easy for me. And that is a part of who I am and how I show up in the world. I’m grateful for the tougher side of me because it has carried me through a lot of challenge and pain. But the softer, more tender parts of my heart and spirit have been taking up more space lately. I’m grateful to be surrounded by a community who helps me feel safe to do that. I’m grateful for a God who answered my prayer yesterday. Today, I felt God’s presence through my tears.
